[how to cope, the jordan way]

i don't know

why are you asking me?

so far i have...

sworn at the computer lab dude

shoved my art 2 grade up the teacher's ass

taken lortab illegally

splurged with money i need to save

kissed a man in an exclusive relationship

with my ex best friend

left the house without permission

sluffed a few classes

stopped eating regularly

mostly, it's just dinner.

if anything...

lied and lied and lied

deleted my myspace & facebook

debated suicide

overdosed with my prozac

debated on alcohol use

debated on multiple drugs

debated ruining a serious relationship

*decides to stop the list here*

hmm. let's see how this is affecting me.

i'm banned from the computer lab after school.

i could be failing art here soon.

i have no money.

i'm helping someone cheat on an old friend.

losing trust from my parents

losing trust from teachers.

losing weight.

developing bad habits.

acting on impulse.

potentially ruining all my mental progress.

risking my future.

risking multiple friendships.

risking legal trouble.

*continues the list in my head*

he wanted me to change my life.

he wanted me to have a life.

is this what he wanted?

because it's all i have to work with.

this is what it comes down to.

ow.

sharp pain

like a

p e n c i l

being shoved

pointy end

first

in my

e a r

>_<

i'm afraid.

the only constant in my life

the only consistency

is

gone.

does he know what he did to me?

i can't tell him what he's done.

i'm not the biggest guilt trip person.