[i can't]

handle it anymore.

i've been trying not to dwell

on the fact that he's going to leave me again

and leave me all broken.

and it's not like i could

dodge the bullet, either.

if i stay

i will get

attached

and if i get

attached

there's no

going back.

there's no

avoiding

heartbreak.

i tried to just be happy and enjoy the time i have

to spend with him before he [maybe] goes on a mission.

but i keep remembering

that if he goes...

he goes alone.

and i stay...

i'll stay, alone.

it's scary.

because i want to have that amazing relationship back

but it's not possible if he's going to leave right now.

i want to be happy again.

i want to know what my future holds again.

this uncertainty scares me to death.

and i have the scariest thought

that if he leaves...

he'll never come back to me.

because i won't

be good enough.

i can't have what i really want.

i won't ask him to choose me over the Lord.

i won't ask him to stay with me, and go with me after we get married.

i won't be that girl.

this is his choice.

and i'm proud that he wants to go.

i'm just afraid of what that means for me.

stupid.

selfish.

jordan.