[he left]

we'll start this off

with what just happened.

the boy i've been in love with

for almost a year

who i honestly expected to spend

the rest of my life with

left me.

i ended up going with shannon

and sleeping over there with her

to try and get through this.

i woke up this morning

thought that it might possibly still be a dream

and after realizing that this was for real

i had a panic attack.

i had to leave the house.

sit on the porch.

and bawl my eyes out.

i

can't

believe

it

actually

happened.

he won't come back.

i don't think he loves me anymore.

but only he really knows.

but we're still talking.

and we're going to make

a friendship work.

and maybe

hopefully

he'll realize

that we're meant for eachother.

and he'll come back.

i prayed today.

i've never been much of a pray-er.

i always feel like i'm just talking to myself.

i don't feel His presence.

but today after i got home

i knelt on my floor

and bawled while i prayed.

i begged for a sign.

i begged for knowledge.

i begged for a helping hand.

i asked for His guidance.

i asked Him to help me through this.

i asked for the strength.

in the time i need Him most.

i was about to say that

i haven't gotten an answer

but i realized...

i took some steps

and i'm trying to be rational

and i'm calming down.

i'll still be breaking down

for a long time.

but i've already made

a lot of progress.

i'm determined to change myself.

to take the steps necessary to fix this.

to make things better

and to take control of my future.

i will marry him.

i'm dead set on it.

he told me he would marry me.

he told me he would be with me forever.

and i WILL make it happen.

for now...

please...

someone

help me?