[hang in there]

i feel like i'm not able to focus on anything.

life just kinda floats by

and i don't feel slightly attached to it.

i need a break... to find myself again.

well, not again.

because i don't think i ever have.

'me' was never just me.

boys have always been a big part of me.

tyler. jameson. and, of course, chris.

i've never really been alone.

i'm always attached to somebody.

i'm never just 'me'

i'm afraid of being alone, you know?

i'm afraid to venture out by myself.

i know it isn't healthy

to depend on others like this

but quite frankly

i don't care.

i've noticed that i'm really using

my friends as a crutch

as i get through this.

more than i think i've ever needed a crutch before.

chris held me up. he helped me balance.

and without that balance

i feel like a top that has stopped spinning.

like a pencil standing on it's tip.

i've fallen hard into shannon & jameson's waiting arms.

and other people have come to support me on other sides.

jimmy. derek. hayden. adam. teresa. william.

guys & gals, thank you.

i love you all.

those first few days were critical

to getting back up

after being knocked down.

hah. so guess what?

yesterday i was talented

and in like 5 hours

i injured every finger

on my left hand.

first injury, to my thumb.

the first injury i've had in woods yet.

haven't even gotten splinters!

but my thumb wat bleeding

and bruised.

purple and black

and i got a blood blister.

second injury, the three middle fingers.

in afterschool ballroom

i was practicing international cha-cha

and i was dancing with richard

and somehow we got into a tickle-war

and i went to jab him in the gut

and managed to hyperextend and jam

all three fingers.

i couldn't bend them at all.

and the third incident, my pinky.

i was with chris.

and he gave me an etched plate of glass

that had a picture of ichigo & rukia from 'bleach'

[i want to be rukia for halloween.]

i was holding it

and i sliced my finger.

i didn't even notice

for a few minutes.

my thumb feels pretty fine.

kinda tender by the blister site.

but otherwise okay.

my index finger is in no pain

but it keeps like... popping and cracking.

more than my knuckles usually do.

my middle finger... hurts.

donny said i have a strained tendon.

it feels like i need a brace on it.

i can't flex it nearly at all

i touch the knuckle and pull down a little

and it screams with pain.

donny said it should be alright in three or four days.

we'll see.

my ring finger

is perfectly fine.

no problems.

it was the first to heal.

my pinky is getting infected.

the cut kinda looks cool, though.

and it feels alright.

i just can't really touch it.

ha. i'm talented, huh?