[something's broken]

i don't know what it is.

but after he truly broke my heart

i've been going through life

without really being involved.

i feel detached.

distracted.

i just don't put forth the effort anymore.

existence just happens.

i don't feel like i'm trying.

i'm just... cooperating

with life as it happens.

answer texts.

attend most of my classes.

answer when someone talks to me.

it's pathetic.

time just... goes by.

i don't feel like it's important.

i don't pay attention to the days as they pass.

what broke?

because i find that i'm happier now.

but it's like i just exist.

i'm standing still

but everything around me keeps moving.

i'm worried about myself.

[music]

i need more of it.

something new and fun.

something that makes me happy.

a fresh new tune

that i haven't heard

a billion times before.

yep.

new music.

so tonight

i babysat the kids.

kinli & peyton.

they're so adorable.

and they're getting so big.

i love them to death.

kin is the sweetest little girl ever.

and peyton is so silly.

they bring back my inner child.

kin & i are princesses.

and she dubbed me her big sister.

:] and trace is a princess.

and my mom is a princess.

and we wear pretty dresses.

i taught her some new stuff tonight.

don't know how much she'll remember.

it was her bedtime.

i taught her what muscles were.

how they make your body move.

and i taught her about nerves.

and how they tell your brain stuff.

tell you to move things.

and they tell your brain what's going on.

and since we're princesses

i taught her what the difference

between a crown and a tiara is.

aaaaand...

i taught her about joints.

and how since mine are unhealthy

mine make cracking sounds.

she's such a cutie.

i love her to death.

we had fun brushing her teeth.

and we watched some of the little mermaid.

and we decided what color

our dresses are.

our imaginary ones.

mine is teal and silver.

and hers is pink and purple and green.

with a sparkly diamond tiara.

i told her i'd draw her a picture of us.

i need to get on that.

my aunt and i had a nice little conversation

about the situation with chris and i

and about life

and love

and happiness.

and we moved on

to talk about the gospel.

and how it's affected our lives.

i really look up to her.

she's come a long way

and she has such a loving, caring heart.

and she treats me like a fellow adult.

i think we're the closest aunt-niece pair.

it's awesome.

because she has like 3 sisters

and i have like a billion cousins.

so there are so many matches.

but i think we're closer than anyone else

in the family.

but who knows?

i don't pay much attention to the rest of them.

gah...

so late.

i need sleep.

goodnight, readers.

[& maybe]

you're gonna be the one to save me.

[i am my own worst enemy]

i was with him for the first time today
since he broke my heart.
and it was just proven
that there is nothing i can do
to get him back.

i would give it all. give anything for him.
but he doesn't want anything.
and he won't take me back until he feels it is right.
i need this boy in my life.
i need him so badly.


it hurts.

[how to cope, the jordan way]

i don't know

why are you asking me?

so far i have...

sworn at the computer lab dude

shoved my art 2 grade up the teacher's ass

taken lortab illegally

splurged with money i need to save

kissed a man in an exclusive relationship

with my ex best friend

left the house without permission

sluffed a few classes

stopped eating regularly

mostly, it's just dinner.

if anything...

lied and lied and lied

deleted my myspace & facebook

debated suicide

overdosed with my prozac

debated on alcohol use

debated on multiple drugs

debated ruining a serious relationship

*decides to stop the list here*

hmm. let's see how this is affecting me.

i'm banned from the computer lab after school.

i could be failing art here soon.

i have no money.

i'm helping someone cheat on an old friend.

losing trust from my parents

losing trust from teachers.

losing weight.

developing bad habits.

acting on impulse.

potentially ruining all my mental progress.

risking my future.

risking multiple friendships.

risking legal trouble.

*continues the list in my head*

he wanted me to change my life.

he wanted me to have a life.

is this what he wanted?

because it's all i have to work with.

this is what it comes down to.

ow.

sharp pain

like a

p e n c i l

being shoved

pointy end

first

in my

e a r

>_<

i'm afraid.

the only constant in my life

the only consistency

is

gone.

does he know what he did to me?

i can't tell him what he's done.

i'm not the biggest guilt trip person.

[call me bella]

you might as well.

i mean

if you know me...

if you know us.

and our story...

this

is

it.

bella meets edward

bella falls in love

everything's magic.

they build a relationship

they love eachother.

bella

wants

to

be

with

him

forever.

and then

he leaves.

and now...

i wait for him to return.

i turn into a hollow shell.

there's nothing inside...

but i can still feel something.

how does that work?

i never saw it coming.

i can't comprehend that he's

truly.

gone.

[the first sunday]

little pieces

keep breaking

little things

i didn't know

e x i s t e d

little parts

keep coming

u n h i n g e d

u n d o n e

d e t a c h e d

but i don't know

if i can detach myself

i don't know

if i can undo what's been done.

i don't want to undo it.

i want it to continue.

i want to keep writing

our fairytale.