[hang in there]

i feel like i'm not able to focus on anything.

life just kinda floats by

and i don't feel slightly attached to it.

i need a break... to find myself again.

well, not again.

because i don't think i ever have.

'me' was never just me.

boys have always been a big part of me.

tyler. jameson. and, of course, chris.

i've never really been alone.

i'm always attached to somebody.

i'm never just 'me'

i'm afraid of being alone, you know?

i'm afraid to venture out by myself.

i know it isn't healthy

to depend on others like this

but quite frankly

i don't care.

i've noticed that i'm really using

my friends as a crutch

as i get through this.

more than i think i've ever needed a crutch before.

chris held me up. he helped me balance.

and without that balance

i feel like a top that has stopped spinning.

like a pencil standing on it's tip.

i've fallen hard into shannon & jameson's waiting arms.

and other people have come to support me on other sides.

jimmy. derek. hayden. adam. teresa. william.

guys & gals, thank you.

i love you all.

those first few days were critical

to getting back up

after being knocked down.

hah. so guess what?

yesterday i was talented

and in like 5 hours

i injured every finger

on my left hand.

first injury, to my thumb.

the first injury i've had in woods yet.

haven't even gotten splinters!

but my thumb wat bleeding

and bruised.

purple and black

and i got a blood blister.

second injury, the three middle fingers.

in afterschool ballroom

i was practicing international cha-cha

and i was dancing with richard

and somehow we got into a tickle-war

and i went to jab him in the gut

and managed to hyperextend and jam

all three fingers.

i couldn't bend them at all.

and the third incident, my pinky.

i was with chris.

and he gave me an etched plate of glass

that had a picture of ichigo & rukia from 'bleach'

[i want to be rukia for halloween.]

i was holding it

and i sliced my finger.

i didn't even notice

for a few minutes.

my thumb feels pretty fine.

kinda tender by the blister site.

but otherwise okay.

my index finger is in no pain

but it keeps like... popping and cracking.

more than my knuckles usually do.

my middle finger... hurts.

donny said i have a strained tendon.

it feels like i need a brace on it.

i can't flex it nearly at all

i touch the knuckle and pull down a little

and it screams with pain.

donny said it should be alright in three or four days.

we'll see.

my ring finger

is perfectly fine.

no problems.

it was the first to heal.

my pinky is getting infected.

the cut kinda looks cool, though.

and it feels alright.

i just can't really touch it.

ha. i'm talented, huh?

[i can't]

handle it anymore.

i've been trying not to dwell

on the fact that he's going to leave me again

and leave me all broken.

and it's not like i could

dodge the bullet, either.

if i stay

i will get

attached

and if i get

attached

there's no

going back.

there's no

avoiding

heartbreak.

i tried to just be happy and enjoy the time i have

to spend with him before he [maybe] goes on a mission.

but i keep remembering

that if he goes...

he goes alone.

and i stay...

i'll stay, alone.

it's scary.

because i want to have that amazing relationship back

but it's not possible if he's going to leave right now.

i want to be happy again.

i want to know what my future holds again.

this uncertainty scares me to death.

and i have the scariest thought

that if he leaves...

he'll never come back to me.

because i won't

be good enough.

i can't have what i really want.

i won't ask him to choose me over the Lord.

i won't ask him to stay with me, and go with me after we get married.

i won't be that girl.

this is his choice.

and i'm proud that he wants to go.

i'm just afraid of what that means for me.

stupid.

selfish.

jordan.

[today]

would have been our

eleven

month

anniversary.

i want to

shoot myself.

[rant]

i don't know what to do with myself.
i was headed down a nice little road.
and then everything disappeared.
and i was left in the middle of nowhere.
do you walk in the direction you're facing?
or do you turn around to go back?
you turn around to look.
to see if there's something behind you.
something closer.
but nothing.
and you turn to the side.
nothing.
other side?
still nothing.
and then you don't know what way you were facing.
which way was forward?
what way is the right way?
how close is salvation?
which direction will take me there?
which direction will take me *anywhere*?
if there is something in all directions...
what is where?
and what is closer?
you look to the sky.
you know that polaris is at the tip of the little dipper
which is also knows as the north star.
but you see
n o t h i n g.
you see no pattern.
just... dots.
evenly spaced.
what is this place?
where are you?

yeah.
exactly.

and then suddenly
when you feel like you've got no hope for survival
you blink... and you're back.
but something's different.
or is it?
is it the same?
was that tree to the left of the road?
you could have sworn it was on the right.
did the road go up a hill?
what way were you going?
are you just imagining things?
do you *really* want to walk?
or is someone playing a trick on you?
you're paranoid.
you suddenly don't want to move.
you're afraid to make any decisions.
because you don't know
what
will
happen.

why is this happening?
is this real?
why you?
you didn't do anything wrong, did you?
did you do anything to deserve this?
could you have done soemthing different
that would have prevented this?

who knows.
who knows where you are.
or why it happened.
why it was you.
not someone else.
nobody knows
if someone thinks this is a game.
or if it has to happen.
if it was inevitable.
or preventable.

and then your best friend is at your side.
smiling at you as you sit in the middle of the road
thinking about what the hell is going on.
he offers his hand to you
to help you up.
to lead you down the road again.
or are they?
are they just playing with you?
is this a plot to hurt you?
are you going to fall through the rabbit hole
down the neverending black hole
and become alice in wonderland, yet again.
but in the middle of the desert.
with nobody to tell you where that damn white rabbit went?

you start walking anyway.
telling yourself that it won't happen.
you're in control this time.
you're prepared to be hit from the side this time.
you know something's coming.
it won't be that bad.

maybe.

only time will truly tell.