[ U P D A T E ]

[hello, darling]

2008-10-05T12:49:00.002-06:00

miss me?

i missed all of you.

this week has been so stressful.

and yesterday

i broke down

and wholeheartedly

debated suicide.

i just feel sick of everything.

sick of school.

sick of most of the people in it.

sick of the people who pretend to be your friend.

but don't honestly care at all.

sick of trying to graduate.

sick of trying to stay caught up.

sick of dumb kids who think they're cool.

sick of watching myself fail.

sick of trying to keep my head above water.

sick of life's twists and turns.

everything's changing.

and i don't know

what to do with myself.

lastnight was a close call.

hayden called me

and got me under control.

but our conversation had me

second-guessing everything.

*deep cleansing breath*

♥ you all.

byeee.

[hang in there]

2008-10-01T20:21:00.002-06:00

i feel like i'm not able to focus on anything.

life just kinda floats by

and i don't feel slightly attached to it.

i need a break... to find myself again.

well, not again.

because i don't think i ever have.

'me' was never just me.

boys have always been a big part of me.

tyler. jameson. and, of course, chris.

i've never really been alone.

i'm always attached to somebody.

i'm never just 'me'

i'm afraid of being alone, you know?

i'm afraid to venture out by myself.

i know it isn't healthy

to depend on others like this

but quite frankly

i don't care.

i've noticed that i'm really using

my friends as a crutch

as i get through this.

more than i think i've ever needed a crutch before.

chris held me up. he helped me balance.

and without that balance

i feel like a top that has stopped spinning.

like a pencil standing on it's tip.

i've fallen hard into shannon & jameson's waiting arms.

and other people have come to support me on other sides.

jimmy. derek. hayden. adam. teresa. william.

guys & gals, thank you.

i love you all.

those first few days were critical

to getting back up

after being knocked down.

hah. so guess what?

yesterday i was talented

and in like 5 hours

i injured every finger

on my left hand.

first injury, to my thumb.

the first injury i've had in woods yet.

haven't even gotten splinters!

but my thumb wat bleeding

and bruised.

purple and black

and i got a blood blister.

second injury, the three middle fingers.

in afterschool ballroom

i was practicing international cha-cha

and i was dancing with richard

and somehow we got into a tickle-war

and i went to jab him in the gut

and managed to hyperextend and jam

all three fingers.

i couldn't bend them at all.

and the third incident, my pinky.

i was with chris.

and he gave me an etched plate of glass

that had a picture of ichigo & rukia from 'bleach'

[i want to be rukia for halloween.]

i was holding it

and i sliced my finger.

i didn't even notice

for a few minutes.

my thumb feels pretty fine.

kinda tender by the blister site.

but otherwise okay.

my index finger is in no pain

but it keeps like... popping and cracking.

more than my knuckles usually do.

my middle finger... hurts.

donny said i have a strained tendon.

it feels like i need a brace on it.

i can't flex it nearly at all

i touch the knuckle and pull down a little

and it screams with pain.

donny said it should be alright in three or four days.

we'll see.

my ring finger

is perfectly fine.

no problems.

it was the first to heal.

my pinky is getting infected.

the cut kinda looks cool, though.

and it feels alright.

i just can't really touch it.

ha. i'm talented, huh?

[i can't]

2008-09-29T17:04:00.000-06:00

handle it anymore.

i've been trying not to dwell

on the fact that he's going to leave me again

and leave me all broken.

and it's not like i could

dodge the bullet, either.

if i stay

i will get

attached

and if i get

attached

there's no

going back.

there's no

avoiding

heartbreak.

i tried to just be happy and enjoy the time i have

to spend with him before he [maybe] goes on a mission.

but i keep remembering

that if he goes...

he goes alone.

and i stay...

i'll stay, alone.

it's scary.

because i want to have that amazing relationship back

but it's not possible if he's going to leave right now.

i want to be happy again.

i want to know what my future holds again.

this uncertainty scares me to death.

and i have the scariest thought

that if he leaves...

he'll never come back to me.

because i won't

be good enough.

i can't have what i really want.

i won't ask him to choose me over the Lord.

i won't ask him to stay with me, and go with me after we get married.

i won't be that girl.

this is his choice.

and i'm proud that he wants to go.

i'm just afraid of what that means for me.

stupid.

selfish.

jordan.

[today]

2008-09-28T21:28:00.002-06:00

would have been our

eleven

month

anniversary.

i want to

shoot myself.

[rant]

2008-09-28T21:28:00.001-06:00

i don't know what to do with myself.
i was headed down a nice little road.
and then everything disappeared.
and i was left in the middle of nowhere.
do you walk in the direction you're facing?
or do you turn around to go back?
you turn around to look.
to see if there's something behind you.
something closer.
but nothing.
and you turn to the side.
nothing.
other side?
still nothing.
and then you don't know what way you were facing.
which way was forward?
what way is the right way?
how close is salvation?
which direction will take me there?
which direction will take me *anywhere*?
if there is something in all directions...
what is where?
and what is closer?
you look to the sky.
you know that polaris is at the tip of the little dipper
which is also knows as the north star.
but you see
n o t h i n g.
you see no pattern.
just... dots.
evenly spaced.
what is this place?
where are you?

yeah.
exactly.

and then suddenly
when you feel like you've got no hope for survival
you blink... and you're back.
but something's different.
or is it?
is it the same?
was that tree to the left of the road?
you could have sworn it was on the right.
did the road go up a hill?
what way were you going?
are you just imagining things?
do you *really* want to walk?
or is someone playing a trick on you?
you're paranoid.
you suddenly don't want to move.
you're afraid to make any decisions.
because you don't know
what
will
happen.

why is this happening?
is this real?
why you?
you didn't do anything wrong, did you?
did you do anything to deserve this?
could you have done soemthing different
that would have prevented this?

who knows.
who knows where you are.
or why it happened.
why it was you.
not someone else.
nobody knows
if someone thinks this is a game.
or if it has to happen.
if it was inevitable.
or preventable.

and then your best friend is at your side.
smiling at you as you sit in the middle of the road
thinking about what the hell is going on.
he offers his hand to you
to help you up.
to lead you down the road again.
or are they?
are they just playing with you?
is this a plot to hurt you?
are you going to fall through the rabbit hole
down the neverending black hole
and become alice in wonderland, yet again.
but in the middle of the desert.
with nobody to tell you where that damn white rabbit went?

you start walking anyway.
telling yourself that it won't happen.
you're in control this time.
you're prepared to be hit from the side this time.
you know something's coming.
it won't be that bad.

maybe.

only time will truly tell.

[something's broken]

2008-09-26T15:28:00.000-06:00

i don't know what it is.

but after he truly broke my heart

i've been going through life

without really being involved.

i feel detached.

distracted.

i just don't put forth the effort anymore.

existence just happens.

i don't feel like i'm trying.

i'm just... cooperating

with life as it happens.

answer texts.

attend most of my classes.

answer when someone talks to me.

it's pathetic.

time just... goes by.

i don't feel like it's important.

i don't pay attention to the days as they pass.

what broke?

because i find that i'm happier now.

but it's like i just exist.

i'm standing still

but everything around me keeps moving.

i'm worried about myself.

[music]

2008-09-25T22:25:00.000-06:00

i need more of it.

something new and fun.

something that makes me happy.

a fresh new tune

that i haven't heard

a billion times before.

yep.

new music.

so tonight

i babysat the kids.

kinli & peyton.

they're so adorable.

and they're getting so big.

i love them to death.

kin is the sweetest little girl ever.

and peyton is so silly.

they bring back my inner child.

kin & i are princesses.

and she dubbed me her big sister.

:] and trace is a princess.

and my mom is a princess.

and we wear pretty dresses.

i taught her some new stuff tonight.

don't know how much she'll remember.

it was her bedtime.

i taught her what muscles were.

how they make your body move.

and i taught her about nerves.

and how they tell your brain stuff.

tell you to move things.

and they tell your brain what's going on.

and since we're princesses

i taught her what the difference

between a crown and a tiara is.

aaaaand...

i taught her about joints.

and how since mine are unhealthy

mine make cracking sounds.

she's such a cutie.

i love her to death.

we had fun brushing her teeth.

and we watched some of the little mermaid.

and we decided what color

our dresses are.

our imaginary ones.

mine is teal and silver.

and hers is pink and purple and green.

with a sparkly diamond tiara.

i told her i'd draw her a picture of us.

i need to get on that.

my aunt and i had a nice little conversation

about the situation with chris and i

and about life

and love

and happiness.

and we moved on

to talk about the gospel.

and how it's affected our lives.

i really look up to her.

she's come a long way

and she has such a loving, caring heart.

and she treats me like a fellow adult.

i think we're the closest aunt-niece pair.

it's awesome.

because she has like 3 sisters

and i have like a billion cousins.

so there are so many matches.

but i think we're closer than anyone else

in the family.

but who knows?

i don't pay much attention to the rest of them.

gah...

so late.

i need sleep.

goodnight, readers.

[& maybe]

2008-09-25T22:23:00.000-06:00

you're gonna be the one to save me.

[i am my own worst enemy]

2008-09-24T19:30:00.000-06:00

i was with him for the first time today
since he broke my heart.
and it was just proven
that there is nothing i can do
to get him back.

i would give it all. give anything for him.
but he doesn't want anything.
and he won't take me back until he feels it is right.
i need this boy in my life.
i need him so badly.

it hurts.

[how to cope, the jordan way]

2008-09-23T21:48:00.000-06:00

i don't know

why are you asking me?

so far i have...

sworn at the computer lab dude

shoved my art 2 grade up the teacher's ass

taken lortab illegally

splurged with money i need to save

kissed a man in an exclusive relationship

with my ex best friend

left the house without permission

sluffed a few classes

stopped eating regularly

mostly, it's just dinner.

if anything...

lied and lied and lied

deleted my myspace & facebook

debated suicide

overdosed with my prozac

debated on alcohol use

debated on multiple drugs

debated ruining a serious relationship

*decides to stop the list here*

hmm. let's see how this is affecting me.

i'm banned from the computer lab after school.

i could be failing art here soon.

i have no money.

i'm helping someone cheat on an old friend.

losing trust from my parents

losing trust from teachers.

losing weight.

developing bad habits.

acting on impulse.

potentially ruining all my mental progress.

risking my future.

risking multiple friendships.

risking legal trouble.

*continues the list in my head*

he wanted me to change my life.

he wanted me to have a life.

is this what he wanted?

because it's all i have to work with.

this is what it comes down to.

ow.

sharp pain

like a

p e n c i l

being shoved

pointy end

first

in my

e a r

>_<

i'm afraid.

the only constant in my life

the only consistency

gone.

does he know what he did to me?

i can't tell him what he's done.

i'm not the biggest guilt trip person.

[call me bella]

2008-09-21T12:34:00.000-06:00

you might as well.

i mean

if you know me...

if you know us.

and our story...

this

it.

bella meets edward

bella falls in love

everything's magic.

they build a relationship

they love eachother.

bella

wants

with

him

forever.

and then

he leaves.

and now...

i wait for him to return.

i turn into a hollow shell.

there's nothing inside...

but i can still feel something.

how does that work?

i never saw it coming.

i can't comprehend that he's

truly.

gone.

[the first sunday]

2008-09-21T12:31:00.000-06:00

little pieces

keep breaking

little things

i didn't know

e x i s t e d

little parts

keep coming

u n h i n g e d

u n d o n e

d e t a c h e d

but i don't know

if i can detach myself

i don't know

if i can undo what's been done.

i don't want to undo it.

i want it to continue.

i want to keep writing

our fairytale.

[he left]

2008-09-20T18:40:00.000-06:00

we'll start this off

with what just happened.

the boy i've been in love with

for almost a year

who i honestly expected to spend

the rest of my life with

left me.

i ended up going with shannon

and sleeping over there with her

to try and get through this.

i woke up this morning

thought that it might possibly still be a dream

and after realizing that this was for real

i had a panic attack.

i had to leave the house.

sit on the porch.

and bawl my eyes out.

can't

believe

actually

happened.

he won't come back.

i don't think he loves me anymore.

but only he really knows.

but we're still talking.

and we're going to make

a friendship work.

and maybe

hopefully

he'll realize

that we're meant for eachother.

and he'll come back.

i prayed today.

i've never been much of a pray-er.

i always feel like i'm just talking to myself.

i don't feel His presence.

but today after i got home

i knelt on my floor

and bawled while i prayed.

i begged for a sign.

i begged for knowledge.

i begged for a helping hand.

i asked for His guidance.

i asked Him to help me through this.

i asked for the strength.

in the time i need Him most.

i was about to say that

i haven't gotten an answer

but i realized...

i took some steps

and i'm trying to be rational

and i'm calming down.

i'll still be breaking down

for a long time.

but i've already made

a lot of progress.

i'm determined to change myself.

to take the steps necessary to fix this.

to make things better

and to take control of my future.

i will marry him.

i'm dead set on it.

he told me he would marry me.

he told me he would be with me forever.

and i WILL make it happen.

for now...

please...

someone

help me?